Personal Marriage Equality Stories: Real People, Real Impact
Often we hear from couples about their lives and how much marriage would make a difference. Personal stories are so important because they put a face to the facts on why couples who choose to marry, need the legal protections that only marriage guarantees. If you have a story you would like to share and/or have posted to our site, please email us at: stories@marriageequality.org. If you would like to post a picture of your family, email us a jpg so we can add it to our site.
Written Senate Testimony
On 20 July 2011 a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing was held on the legislative repeal of DOMA/Respect for Marriage Act - following is written testimony submitted to the Senate Committee by Marriage Equality USA members:
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Author Lorrie Goldin
Like Everybody Else
By Lorrie Goldin
I'm a straight, middle-aged woman who strongly supports marriage equality. I hope that my voice may help persuade those who are not quite there yet.
My friends Ann and Joan got married during the 4 month window of time when marriage for same-sex couples was legal in California. The brides were radiant in their silk tunics, silvery hair, and sensible shoes. After waiting 17 years to walk down the aisle, they'd earned their comfort.
Like any couple getting married, Ann and Joan vowed to love, honor, and cherish each other until parted by death. They could pledge this with more certainty than the average newlyweds, having already lived so many years together for better and for worse.
Ann vowed to try not to throw things away. Joan promised she would try to throw things away. That's what comes from being forced to wait nearly two decades for marriage. You know one another's foibles so well that what used to drive you crazy now deepens your love. You know it's precisely your differences that bring balance. You know it's the trying that counts.
Guests were invited to place a rose in a silver vase and express what this wedding meant to them. By the end, the vase was crammed with roses of every hue.
I grew up dreaming of bridal bouquets and my bridesmaids' matching sashes. I didn't know what blooms would be in season when I married, or whether my color scheme would be driven by the daffodils of spring or the chrysanthemums of fall. But as a straight woman, I knew I could count on having a season.
Now there is a season for everyone.
Opponents of same-sex marriage argue that gay people shouldn't be granted special rights. But what is so special about wanting to be treated like everybody else? It's not just gays who benefit—we all do. My joy in realizing a childhood dream is enhanced because my gay friends and family members are no longer excluded from having such dreams.
I cannot possibly imagine how same-sex weddings threaten traditional couples. A marriage that draws its strength from discrimination is not a sound marriage at all. As I listened to the readings about love, friendship, and commitment that Ann and Joan chose for their wedding, my feelings for my husband of 22 years only deepened.
Surely Ann and Joan don't need the state to affirm their love and commitment. At 60-something, they can buy all the bath towels and appliances and flowers they want. They can even buy a lawyer's time to secure most of the rights that straight couples take for granted. But without the state's sanction, something is missing.
Now we all have a chance to enjoy what money can't buy: Inclusion and equality.
At the end of the ceremony, Joan and Ann grinned through their tears while we all cheered and wept.
"This is something we never dreamed would happen," Joan said. "We never imagined that we could get dishtowels and kitchen gadgets, like everybody else."
At last they can.
And at last we can give them.
Ryan Kendall, Denver CO
On 20 January 2010, Ryan Kendall testified as a fact witness in the landmark case Perry v. Schwarzenegger, the federal trial to overturn California's discriminatory Proposition 8. Kendall took the stand to speak to the immutability of sexual orientation, living proof that you can't "pray away the gay." Kendall, a Colorado Springs native, was subjected to "reparative therapy" beginning when he was just 14, when his evangelical Christian parents discovered he was gay. Now, a year after his testimony, in this OFCB exclusive Kendall reflects on the trial, the terrifying and true scenarios which filled it, and what the Perry case means not only for marriage equality, but for all LGBT kids still suffering from intolerance and hatred. Read Ryan's story here as printed in Out Front Colorado. Ryan now serves as Colorado Chapter Leader with Marriage Equality USA, as well as a blogger for Out Front Colorado. He is attending college and his goal is to become an attorney.
Melanie & Claudia - exiled in Brazil
My name is Melanie, I am 45, and I am an American who has lived the past year in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, with the love of my life- Claudia. She is a 42, a Brazilian citizen and we met 1.5 years ago on the internet.
Because the US does not offer the same rights to same sex couples, thus making it impossible for Claudia to come to the US to start a life with me, I made a decision 11 months ago to leave my family, friends, long-time banking career, high-powered job, home, and life in CA and go to the love of my life in Brazil to stay - anyway we could. We'd previously spent 5 months together on the telephone and internet - 12 hours/day sometimes, and at that time we'd never even met in person... But, I never had a doubt- nor she- that we were meant to be together. To be sure it is not easy for a US citizen to obtain more than a tourist visa, which limits the time a person can stay in Brazil, and it is nearly impossible for Claudia to obtain anything more than a US tourist visa, with strict US visiting restrictions. We have spent countless dollars on attorneys in Brazil to help me obtain a business visa that at least will allow me 3 years here. I am currently in Brazil after investing over US$150,000 in a growing business - but as of today, my business visa could be revoked at any time because our small company has had many difficulties. We experience prejudice and have lost customers because people discriminate here as well. We can sometimes see this when we arrive together to establish business with a new customer… Ah yes, I forgot to mention that the long-time career I left in California had always been very lucrative for me- I was making nearly US$225,000/year as a Sr. Vice President of one of the largest US' Banks when I left - and I thank God that I, until now, had enough money from a lifetime of work to invest in a business in Brazil, pay all my accounts, home, car and credit cards bills in the USA, AND still help support Claudia and I in Brazil while we tried to grow our business…But the money I had saved is nearly gone, and we've had some bad business deals from dishonest business people here in Brazil, which nearly bankrupted us. Even everyday life in Brazil is very very difficult. More than I can detail in this email, and more than I tell my family because I don't want to scare them, but imagine this, while Brazil is emerging as a world power and contributor, it's really still a 3rd world country in many respects.. It is a dangerous place with extremely high rates of murders, kidnapping and the police and military are still trying to gain order in parts of this country. It is a country fighting a civil war. Health standards are also far different than what we in the USA enjoy. Human waste is not an unusual sight in the streets, even in chic tourist areas… It is difficult to be an American here, unless you are rich. No one trusts you and everyone wants to suck whatever resources you have… Money is difficult to earn and make here, the average salary in Brazil being about US$450/ month!
Claudia has made many many sacrifices too - her own money, job, and her family (who does not respect, understand or support Claudia's and my love and partnership) have essentially disowned her and made our life even harder here. We are very alone in this country, and struggle to live everyday and fight for our future together. Can you imagine the stress? But through this all we have remained the strongest of couples and we support and love each other with respect and passion. We believe and work hard so that nothing can keep us apart! But our desire and (dream) is to come back to the USA together as a couple, to enjoy the same rights that all others, regardless of what country they come from, are afforded if they marry with a US citizen of the opposite sex… It is disgraceful that Claudia and I, and all others like us, are treated as though we had less value as human beings, not even basic human rights…That we can't marry and live, work and enjoy the great USA and all it has to offer, and all we have to offer it! Claudia and I have a registered domestic partnership in the State of California. Claudia is a very skilled, talented, smart, warm woman and would impress anyone who met her. And here's the irony- even Brazil acknowledges same sex couples for Immigration (after you can prove the existence of the relationship long-term) but Brazil is not a country where we can flourish, or even survive- I am afraid this country and its very difficult (and dangerous) way of life and business- will kill us soon…
Maybe this story will strike a chord with you; maybe it will inspire some, and upset others. I hope it will bring more visibility to the inequality of life not just in the USA, but for Gay people/same sex couples everywhere. But most of all, I hope someone can help Claudia and I find a way for her and I to live and work in the US legally.
Of course, as you know, President Obama has recently made some great strides for changes in Human Rights-specifically Gay rights, but the issue of DOMA still remains a stumbling block for so many people and couples like Claudia and me. We are asking for help- even in the form of visibility. We would be willing to pay high-powered lawyers to help us, but sadly (and frighteningly) we don't have much money to live on anymore.
Thank you for reading a little of our story- there are many more details and layers to our life- like with all people and couples. Claudia and I ask you with all humility and respect- If you can help us, even by telling our story to others- we would be so grateful and would work to repay you and others however we could!
Most sincerely,
Melanie Servetas and Claudia Amaral
Vila Isabel, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
My Father's Story – Len Schaffer
(Please see Len on our Marriage Equality in the ARTS page)
I am neither gay or married but I care passionately about the issue from a civil rights standpoint. I wrote the song It's Time to Stand-Up as a result of my anger at the ruling of New York's highest court against gay marriage, in which the court stressed that gay marriage would be bad for the children.
I'd like to tell you a little bit about my father, who instilled in me my passion for civil rights: Harry Shaffer was a Jewish immigrant who left Vienna in 1938, shortly after Hitler had come in. As my dad used to put it, "Austria wasn't big enough for the both of us, and Hitler wasn't going to leave so I did!" After working his way through school (completing his bachelor's degree in under three years and his master's degree in one, then spending 10 years to earn his doctorate in economics while being married and raising my oldest brother), he eventually became a professor at the University of Alabama in the early '50s.
During this time they admitted their first black student, Autherine Lucy. After there was rioting over her admittance to the university, Ms. Lucy complained that the university was not doing enough to protect her, at which point she was expelled for "slandering the university." In protest, 28 professors resigned, with my dad being one of them. (Another 20 resigned the following year.)
From there, my dad ended up at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, where he became the president of the Lawrence League for the Practice of Democracy, which led picket lines around the city swimming pools for integration, among other things. He also spoke out strongly against the Vietnam War. As a result of his activism, he received six death threats. According to him, he managed to talk five of them out of it on the phone, and the one time he was not able to charm the person making the threat, students from KU stayed with him 24 hours a day for two weeks to make sure he was safe.
My favorite joke that my dad used to tell is that when he was at the University of Alabama he would often bring up civil rights, at which point one of his students would invariably ask him, "Would you marry one of them?" His answer would always be, "Of course not!" The student would then usually say something like, "See! Why not?," and my dad would answer, "Because my wife would never stand for it!"
My dad died November 3, 2009 at a way-too-young 90 years of age, and I was immensely proud of the fact that he was rare for his generation in that he supported marriage equality and gay rights as fully as he supported the civil rights of any other minority.
My father believed that there was nothing more important than to treat each person as an individual, and he lived his live accordingly. That is the legacy behind my belief in marriage equality and my choice to produce and direct One Voice.
I met my life partner three years ago online. First year was just chatting and getting to know each other. I learned that he had full custody of a twelve year old daughter and was raising her by himself. I learned he was from Israel and was here on a work visa. He was having concerns about coming out of the closet and I was there to hear his fears and help him through his struggle.
We met in person and of course sparks flew. I met his beautiful daughter Shaqed. It was a little hard on her, she was used to having daddy all to herself, but we got through it. We carved pumpkins at Halloween and exchanged gifts early for Christmas/Hanukah because she was flying to Israel for Christmas break. For my gift, Ben took us to Key West and for the first time in his life, he experienced what it felt like to be an openly gay man, and he never looked back after that. Shortly after that trip he asked me to marry him. So there it was. We were the three musketeers. His daughter turned out to be my best friend. We did all the ?girly? stuff together. Shopping, clothes and makeup Coming to my work for hair and waxing, and helping me in the kitchen. She was also able to have friends over for sleepovers.
My family immediately welcomed them into the family. Proudly introduced us and talked about us as a family. MY DREAM CAME TRUE FOR A WHOLE YEAR AND A HALF.
Ben got laid off from his job of five years and then found out that the visa he was here with was not his. It was the company?s visa. We had to give up the house we were renting with the plan to buy one in the near future, put everything we didn?t immediately need in storage, and back to Israel my life partner and step-daughter went.
Ben applied for his own visa and didn?t get picked this year. So unless legislation approves another 50,000 applicants in October, we will have to be apart for over a year, and even when he applies again,, its no guarantee that he will get picked for a visa. I keep thinking about the phrases "LAND OF THE FREE", "ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL", "WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL". Right now it all sounds like cheap talk.
Conservatives want to put God as the reason for not allowing same sex marriage, but in Israel, birth place of Jesus, same sex couples have full marital rights. If its ok there, then why not here?
I WORK HARD IN THE UNITED STATES, I PAY TAXES IN THE UNITED STATES, I DESERVE THE RIGHT TO HAPPINESS IN THE UNITED STATES.
I WANT LEGISLATION TO APPROVE ANOTHER 50,000 VISAS! I WANT SAME SEX MARRIAGE WITH ALL THE BENEFITS THAT GO WITH IT! I WANT MY FAMILY BACK !
My partner David and I have been together for 8 years. He has been such a wonderful parent to my daughter Lisa, and she is the love of our lives. Two years ago, while swimming, Lisa had a horrible accident and was brain damaged. David had a great job at a financial institution; needless to say, his insurance was excellent. But we could not get the insurance company to help pay any of the bills, even though he helped support her all that time. We went into heavy debt and it has been extremely difficult ever since.
-- Long Island, New York
The adoption of our little girl, Janie, became legal just three months ago. But because we can't get married, only one of us could be the legal parent. We wish we could have the support system that marriage gives a couple, not only for the legal benefits, but for the respect, as well. The process overall has been positive, even though we were basically told because she is a "throw away", born with HIV, it was fine to let 2 gay guys have her. No matter, we love her so much and she has brought joy to our lives. It is frustrating, however, that our government does not recognize the needs of our family, even though we hear how much everyone wants to "help families." The clincher was that we were told by our lawyer that because we are 2 gay men, we never would have been able to adopt a boy. Well, Janie was and will always be the greatest thing that has ever happen to us.
-- Pewaukee, Wisconsin
My in-laws are trying to take me to court to get the belongings of my partner Peter. He died early this year unexpectedly. It has been very difficult. Luckily, we went through a lawyer to draw up a will, etc., 6 months before he died. Even though we'd been together for 5 years, his parents refuse to accept our love and his memory. With such anger in their hearts, I can't imagine Peter being their child. He was a good person and loved life. I miss him.
-- Louisville, Kentucky
I was in my Confirmation class and we were talking about what's right and what's wrong. This guy in the group I was in said that homosexuality was wrong. I said, "The love is not wrong" and he kept calling me a "fag" for the rest of the class.
One time at school there were Army people and I asked if bi, gay or lesbian people were allowed to join the military. He started talking about the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. I was thinking, "what the heck does that have to do with my question?"
--From Raventears, 10th Grade, California
Chest pain brought me to the hospital one day. My thoughts turned to the future. What will happen to my partner of ten years if I should succumb? My half of out jointly owned home would be inherited by my next of kin because I had no forethought to write a Will. Both cars are in my name, will he be relegated to ride the bus because the cars were sold? I have faith that my children aren't heartless enough to "take all" and leave him homeless. However, there are many people in like-situations, in this country, that are not so fortunate as I happen to be. Having said that, since then I've taken steps to make sure that my life insurance, cars and home will be safely transferred to my partner in case anything untoward happens. Why leave to chance that my children will do "the right thing?" But the questions loom boldly; why is it that in the year 2002, inheritance is a question at all? Why is it that the USA is lagging behind other countries in legalizing same-sex-marriage? Why are so many gay men and women keeping quiet about this paramount deficit in our society? There are two choices. The first is that we keep quiet and cooperate with the conservative citizens of this country ... fit-in, without equality and ten steps behind the rest of the world. The second is that we join together and speak-out against the inequities. This is not a new concept, nothing profound. It's a matter of commitment, perseverance and guts. Sound simple? It is.
--San Diego, California
Bruce Groves and Ken Wongsomboon, New Zealand
The 29th of April 2007 is coming up as the 2nd anniversary of our Civil Union in New Zealand - being the first day anyone could legally join in a civil union in this country. We will most probably celebrate quietly by going out to dinner with a few friends. The media has grown tired of it all now! Civil Unions are so "yesterday" - perhaps one day soon Americans can give gay marriage the same "ho-hum" attitude instead of the "threat to family", etc. that is so often reported. Don't get me wrong, originally same-sex unions attracted the same negative outbursts in this country, but "the threat to families" brigade also get upset about trading on Easter holidays - what about Muslim and Pagan families? And, having a weekend to enjoy "family" activities is a thing of the past as we now have seven day trading, and some banks are even open on Saturdays. I think the only people who "enjoy" a full weekend are government officials and their civil servants.
Ken and I met on the Internet in late 2003, and have been together ever since 13 October - our own day to remember. We live in the suburbs of New Zealand's largest city. We work hard and long, both for minimum wage; we assist financially with the Save Animals from Exploitation charity; we take in the local stary cats and have them neutered to do our bit for reducing unwanted kittens; we recycle all of our waste where possible, and that means composting our kitchen waste into the vegetable garden. We get one day off per week together on which we madly rush around the house to catch up on chores and garden, then we visit a car show or a local gay men?s group for a Sunday afternoon drink. Time permitting, we visit my mother, who has advanced dementia, in the home, or do a little more renovating to her dilapidated house before it can be sold or rented out. All up, we live a pretty "normal" life, much like most family advocates would like to think they live. It isn't their exclusive domain, never was, and never will be.
The government in New Zealand has now implemented partnership tax laws for gay couples, and that includes closing the loophole that enabled gay couples to milk the system for social welfare! We still don't have all the rights that straight married couples can access, but with time things can be changed.
I hope our story can be shared with your supporters and also those that fight against the changes you are seeking, to show them that it will not be the end of the world, that life does go on, and really - what was all that fuss about in the beginning?
The photos of us on our big day 2 years ago. We have both lost a little more hair and gained a few inches since then but are still as happy as we were on that day.
Best regards,
Bruce Groves and Ken Wongsomboon, New Zealand
